Nurture happiness, not perfectionism
The last few years have been a lot. We've had loss, transition, health issues, empty-nesting, to name a few. It hasn't been all bad, but I’ve felt less joyful and more melancholy. I'm a worrier by nature, so it wasn’t hard for me to get stuck in the ruts of more worry and less joy.
Instead of projecting out, I went in. I wanted to have a deeper understanding of how to increase happiness in my life. I listened to podcasts, read books, and scoured the internet, and suddenly, I found a common thread I'm continuing to pull.
Here's what I’m learning:
For many of us, happiness can be challenging because it feels just out of reach. We often tie it to future achievements, thinking, "I'll be happy when..." only to find new desires waiting in our consciences (this is me for sure).
Let's not neglect the impacts of our culture—expectations, social comparisons, and overwhelm quickly drown out simple joys, postponing happiness. Even when happiness comes, it can feel fleeting, slipping through our fingers like sand.
So, how do we find consistency in our happiness journey?
For starters, realizing that happiness isn't something to find but to nurture. This was a big ah-ha for me. It’s not something you can put on and take off, like any good habit.
A Harvard study (the longest-running study on happiness, I might add...) has shown that relationships and connections significantly contribute to happiness. People feel connected when they are part of something. We increase positive emotions and joy through gratitude, strengthening our connection with our peers by helping or being helped by others. Don’t confuse social connection with social media. They are not the same!
One thing that kept sounding off in my journey for understanding is perfectionism. Perfectionism and happiness are deeply connected for many people. The relentless pursuit of perfection often undermines our ability to experience true joy or happiness.
Perfectionism is a mindset or standard for lawlessness.
Unfortunately, this mindset carries a lot of baggage, like self-criticism, fear of failure, procrastination, overworking, and the need for validation (all contributors to the chaos culture). While striving for excellence can be positive, perfectionism becomes harmful when it leads to anxiety, procrastination, or dissatisfaction. So, how do we shift out of this mindset?
One of my new favorite podcasts is The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos. Each week, Dr. Santos helps us nurture happiness and understand the science behind why we keep self-sabotaging our joy.
One particular episode (that I've listened to multiple times) is How to Embrace Imperfection. The guest was Oliver Burkeman (author of Meditation for Mortals: Four Weeks to Embrace Your Limitations and Make Time for What Counts), who unpacks some radical thinking around imperfectionism. I’m in the middle of reading this book, but here are a few takeaways that resonate with me:
Accepting our flaws can lead to greater happiness and fulfillment.
The pursuit of perfection can be paralyzing.
Information can be overwhelming and distract us from what truly matters.
Success should be measured by effort and progress, not flawlessness.
Replacing self-criticism with affirmations builds resilience against perfectionism (talk to yourself like you would a friend).
Shared experiences with others can provide perspective and reduce isolation.
The chaos is still there, but I have to be honest, I’m happier. Things that once seemed heavy no longer carry weight. I’m being a little nicer to myself and realizing that I must nurture my happiness daily.
Photo credit(s): Tim Mossholder on Unsplash (Happy face cookies) and The Happiness Lab (Podcast Logo).